On the trail of The Perfect Hamburger

--By Bolek Jaworski and Craig Schofield Translated by Crystal Kuo

Craig: The perfect hamburger, should such a thing exist, is probably not to be found in Taipei. However, we have taken on the duty of saving you the hunt, the hours of worry and needless disappointment in the search for the best beef in a bun Taipei has to offer.

Bolek: Our quest began at Ritchie's. A small haunt in the back alleys of the TienMu Warner Village. Not much on the menu, but a great burger being enough. A massive homemade (bar made?) patty, fresh onions, tomatoes and lettuce (NT$340). Lovely! Along with the burger came a potato salad and great seasoned fries. With the jukebox (not much selection but it's free) and the beer, this place is a must for any burger connoisseur.

C: I enjoyed the all-you-can-eat ketchup and mustard. What Ritchie's lacks in space it makes up for with a great atmosphere. I've only been there once but I would recommend the trip up to TienMu to experience a unique dining experience. Situated in a pedestrian-only alley, it has a peacefulness seldom found in the urban wonderland that is Taipei...also a great bathroom, I might add!
Our next stop brought us to Malibu West, deep in the heart of the Zone. A Taipei staple for years, Malibu West offers a massive double burger that went down suprisingly easy. Topped with the usual, it was a messy experience, but a mess well worth making. Just a grilled-meat heaven on earth (NT$280/305 with cheese).

B: Bar maids singing Filipino karaoke love songs were also on the menu, but we didn't order that and, consequently, didn't pay for it. It's a nice, quiet place which livens up in the evening with regulars. Mostly expats reside here. The menu is quite extensive, intensive and expensive...well, no, actually very reasonable! If you enjoy the age-old "English gentleman's" game of billiards, you'll enjoy the table that has been set up for your entertainment. The staff is very friendly and... friendly! Definitely a place we would (and will) go back to.

Carnegies. Maybe not the Mecca of night clubs but certainly a Jerusalem. Treated like royalty, we were questioned if it was raining on us. Sitting inside, this seemed an impossibility, but as it was explained, one of the air cons had been leaking. We didn't feel it. We were already drenched (by the real rain outside). Carnegie's is not only recognized as place to shake your tail feather, but also as a great place to eat. Excellent burger ( I would expect no less), served with fries and a salad (NT$320). Salad? What for? Another beer, please!

C:The salad is for your health, you all-beef patty! Carnegies provided a thoroughly filling handmade burger that left me satisfied inside and out. Sitting on the best patio in Taipei helps as well. If you're a beer drinker the fine selection of draft beer is an excellent companion to your dining experience. Wednesday nights you can end your evening of beef and beer by taking in the sights, sounds and sensations of their excellent ladies night. A truly tantalizing taste of Taipei's night life.

B: Don't forget Sunday - happy hour all day and night long.

C:On to Ruby Tuesday's, where once again we were confronted by an enormous burger. For a country lacking in cattle, the size of the burgers served here is a rather shocking experience. I challenge anyone to eat one of these burgers and remain hungry. Ruby's burger is an incredibly thick patty topped with cheese and a healthy dose of veg (NT$355). Located right in Warner Village, it's just a hop (or a wobble after you've eaten) to an evening of entertainment. An American franchise in the truest sense, Ruby's is full of happy staff and walls adorned with flair.

B: As objective and serious journalists (why is Craig laughing?), I must be honest; Ruby Tuesday's was my least favourite of the places we visited. The burger was good, but the restaurant was packed to the gills and noisy. I felt like I was trapped in the New York stock exchange with people fighting to place a bid at the salad bar. My hat goes off to the staff, who tried their best amidst the melee. Now for some words from our old pal Mick Jagger; "Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday..."

C: While my constant burger companion was otherwise engaged, I had the opportunity to visit Q-Bar and sample their beefy delights. While the decor would indicate a more upsale dining experience, the food was just as satisfying and the atmosphere as relaxed as any anywhere else. I enjoyed a wonderful cheeseburger (NT$250) and several beers in the company of a dear friend and enjoyed an evening of conversation and food uninterrupted by the attentive staff and other customers. While it is not the largest place, the layout and design function well together and...Oh right! The hamburger! What's another word for very big? Gargantuan? It should come as no surprise by now that it seems as though half a cow gave its life to fill my plate and later my stomach. While I wouldn't say it was the best, the place and staff are certainly noteworthy.

B: After an odyssey of beef, grease, ketchup and beer, the votes are in, counted and sorted. Both of them. Craig has gained 100 pounds. I have gained a greater understanding of vegeterianism. My top pick would undoubtedly have to go to Malibu West.

C: It's here that I must part company with my young compadre on this beef bonanza and cast my vote for Ritchie's burger in up in TienMu. While it is a little out of the way, the quality of the burger more than makes up for the travel issues incurred. I was very impressed by the food and the selection of eclectic bottled beers available. That being said, I will also add an honorable mention for the fine food and ambiance at Carnegie's. What can I say; I don't like leaving people out. And now I am off to McDonald's…

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