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CANCER (June
21 to July 22) -
This is a good month for marriage and any plans hatched while
eating in McDonalds. If you are already married, or lack plans
dreamed up in McDonalds run out quickly and do both before the
month is over! |
 |
LEO (July 23
to August 22) -
Haha, you are in a real jam this month. All I can say is that
I hope you have enough money to pay off the blackmailer! |
 |
VIRGO (August
32 to September 22) -
Remember
that smiles are contagious. While it might make everyone think
you are a fool, it will improve your mood and increase your
chances of being given free medication.
|
 |
LIBRA (September
23 to October 22) -
Look forward to a quiet month spent largely stuck in traffic
out front of Sogo. |
 |
SCORPIO (October
23 to November 21) -
You will need to be patient with your friends this month. They
will prove, once again, how incapable they are of getting their
lives and finances in order. You could point out the obvious,
but they are so unstable that that could end you up in the hospital
for your honesty. |
 |
SAGITTARIUS (November
22 to December 21) -
This month finds you attempting to seize back control of your
life and banish 'superstitious claptrap'. You'll stop believing
your horoscope and so forth. Why do I sound so smug? You'll
be crawling back to my horoscope next month begging for some
direction in life. |
 |
CAPRICORN (January
19 to December 22) -
Some of your family members will begin to act strange, repeatedly
asking you 'are you all rright?' and looking concerned. It will
all begin to make sense once you are committed, but the pills
they give you will likely halt further questions. |
 |
AQUARIUS (February
18 to January 20) -
Now that you are cured of any desire to look at the betelnut
girls and loath poki-poki sticks, consider ridding yourself
of other vices and weaknesses. Blood-letting and leeches will
be particularly effective for you this month. |
 |
PISCES (February
19 to March 20) -
The idea of travel will excite you this month, with Penghu being
high on your list. Don't bother, you'll just get there and wander
around confused wishing you'd remembered to bring your Compass. |
 |
ARIES (March
21 to April 19) -
You will be drawn to large purchases this month. If you are
male, it will involve a lot of metal, power consumption and
a manual even more complicated than your last divorce settlement.
If you are female it will involve cloth or leather, and no power
cable. Your romantic partner will not understand your enthusiasm
for the purchase unless, of course, you are in a same-sex relationship. |
 |
TAURUS (April
20 to May 20) -
You will seriously consider buying a dog this month. Considering
your success at relationships with people, this might be a good
idea. |
 |
GEMINI (May 21
to June 20) -
You are likely to have trouble sleeping month as it will grow
eerily quiet in your neighbourhood. Luckily, there is more construction
slated for next door in early August. |
