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GEMINI (May 21
to June 20) - This is a great month to begin new self-improvement
projects, especially health related ones. Unusually, you'll
manage to make it past the first day - and the most serious
amongst you might even manage to keep it up for a whole week.
Longer term the only Geminis who will actually manage to get
stronger, quit smoking and lose weight over a long period of
time will be steroid-taking junkies. |
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CANCER (June
21 to July 22) - This will be an excellent month for you,
as you will hit upon several very intelligent ideas that will
not only be taken up - they will prove to be successful. The
upshot is that for the next few months people will actually
take you seriously and give you a bit of respect. For awhile
you will actually believe that you deserve it. |
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LEO (July 23
to August 22) - A very attractive someone of the opposite
sex will take a fancy to you this month. The following morning
you will discover that your wallet, watch and other possessions
are gone. Worse, the videotape made will be used to blackmail
you or your spouse/significant other will be given a copy. |
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VIRGO (August
32 to September 22) - If you survived last month's self-analysis,
you will be driven to the opposite extreme this month. You will
be drawn to social activities and will spend more time out with
friends, drinking heavily and making repeated announcements
to various people that they are the 'besht friend I'ff effer
had'.. With luck, your spouse won't leave you. |
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LIBRA (September
23 to October 22) - You will find yourself drawn to introspection
this month, carefully considering your life and the problems
you face. Most of your two-faced friends will listen, pretend
sympathy and privately consider you winging, self-indulgent
and pathetic. Your American friends, however, will listen with
great interest and take your first few sentences very seriously.
Then they will cut you off and proceed to analyse your personality
and your problems - displaying an amazing amount of knowledge
of pop psychology considering how much time these friends spend
in front of their TVs. It will lead you to wonder what exactly
it is they are watching. Their analysis won't help much, but
it is a welcome distraction. |
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SCORPIO (October
23 to November 21) - It will suddenly strike you that something
is seriously strange about the babies in the Mami Poko diaper
ads. |
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SAGITTARIUS (November
22 to December 21) - A close friend or business associate
will accuse you of improprieties involving his/her spouse. This
obvious lack of trust in you will come as a blow. It is recommended
that you two start using motels a bit farther out of town and
take care you aren't followed. You'll be fine as long as he/she
doesn't actually witness anything, and no pictures are taken. |
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CAPRICORN (January
19 to December 22) - Your relationship with stationery this
month will be fraught with danger. It is suggested that you
especially avoid all paper, pencils and staplers. Relationship
counselling could help. |
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AQUARIUS (February
18 to January 20) - Some bads news for Aquarius men, you
can't look at the betelnut girls this month. The stars are very
specific - if you do, you run a serious risk of driving your
vehicle straight through the front of a 7-11 and ending up in
the hospital having a poki-poki stick (chocolate flavoured)
removed from your nasal cavity. |
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PISCES (February
19 to March 20) - A few mistakes this month will make you
worry about your credibility being undermined. You needn't worry,
you haven't much credibility as it stands now. |
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ARIES (March
21 to April 19) - After driving your car off a cliff last
month I really doubt you'll be in much of a state to do anything. |
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TAURUS (April
20 to May 20) - If you are now newly single, it's time to
live it up! Keep in mind that you can't drink as much as you
used to. Of course you won't heed this advice (you'll feel you
took enough advice last month), so you will proceed to make
a very serious faux-pas on a potential new romantic partner. |
