 |
TAURUS (April
20 to May 20) - This month will be a tough one for you and
your romantic partner - keep on the lookout for disagreements.
As usual it will be your partners fault, and make sure he/she
doesn't forget it! |
 |
GEMINI (May 21
to June 20) - This month you may find yourself feeling 'out
of sorts' or in an unusual mood or frame of mind. It is strongly
recommended that you keep close watch on those that provide
you with regular meals - it is quite likely that they are adding
a little extra something chemically. |
 |
CANCER (June
21 to July 22) - Work on your listening skills this month.
Failing that, buy a hearing aid or ask everyone to speak up. |
 |
LEO (July 23
to August 22) - Creativity is high for you this month, Leo,
and it is time to break out the beret and grow that little goatee
you've wanted for so long. Seek out opportunities to express
your new verve for life, and ask all your friends to pose nude
for you. |
 |
VIRGO (August
32 to September 22) - May will be a good month for introspection
and reflecting on where you are in life. Take time out to consider
how you've progressed in your life and consider the opportunities
available to you in the future. Be sure to remove all sharp
objects, sleeping pills and rope before beginning. |
 |
LIBRA (September
23 to October 22) - Be bold this month! Assert yourself
and your authority - don't take no for an answer, ever. Be sure
your friends and colleagues know who is in charge, and don't
be afraid to smack them around a little. |
 |
SCORPIO (October
23 to November 21) - Thinking 'I just can't do it' will
be a problem for you this month. In fact, thinking will be a
problem for you this month - but then what else is new. |
 |
SAGITTARIUS (November
22 to December 21) - You will not find it easy to assert
yourself or provide leadership for others this month. Not to
worry, just find the nearest Libra and get down on your knees. |
 |
CAPRICORN (January
19 to December 22) - Keep a close eye on your finances this
month. Someone close to you seems to be ripping you off or stealing
from you - so you might want to consider investing in bugging
devices and secret cameras. To cover losses you can sell whatever
you record on the toilet camera. |
 |
AQUARIUS (February
18 to January 20) - Your money situation is improving, Aquarius,
largely because you are bilking money from some hapless Capricorn.
Don't worry, they won't catch on - how would they know what
you are up to? |
 |
PISCES (February
19 to March 20) - Be sure to look at things from other's
perspectives and try to put yourself in their shoes. You will
find that flat soled slippers and sneakers are the most comfortable,
but that high heels really get your blood pumping. |
 |
ARIES (March
21 to April 19) - You will have trouble setting priorities
this month, making life hard for you and those around you. You
will come across as spineless and mealy-mouthed, but that's
ok - you are going to win the lottery this month, and then let's
see who's the top dog around here! It will be hilarious watching
your friends and relatives wait on you hand and foot and prospective
romances appear left and right. Driving your new sports car
off a cliff will put a damper on your newfound good fortune,
however. |
